


Kaiba's Super Special Awesome Valentine's

by DarlingDearestDemonic



Category: Yu-Gi-Oh the Abridged Series
Genre: Abridged Universe, Comedy, Crack, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Literally just Valentine's fun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-15
Updated: 2021-02-15
Packaged: 2021-03-16 10:35:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29452419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarlingDearestDemonic/pseuds/DarlingDearestDemonic
Summary: The gang attempts to set Kaiba up with a Valentine's date. It...doesn't work.
Kudos: 1





	Kaiba's Super Special Awesome Valentine's

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Valentine's day, you fun lovin' humans! Try not to get fired by Seto Kaiba's massive ego <3

"This is Domino City News: your home for the latest and greatest news events in history. Thanks for tuning in to our special program Duel Monsters: an Innocent Game or a Gateway to Using Meth? Now, onto Stacey, our Fame and Paparazzi reporter. Stacey?"

"Thanks, Todd. Boy, do we have a special slice of paparazzi pizza for you today! Famed billionaire and self-acclaimed egotistical playboy Seto Kaiba was spotted outside of his usual habitat on the streets of Domino City. Let's cut to the clip shall we?"

"....and then I said, 'screw the rules, I have money!' Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha! Get it? It's funny because I said 'screw the rules.' Why is nobody laughing?"

"Sir, this is a Wendy's...I'm gonna need you to order."

The camera zoomed out to a shot of a giant Blue-Eyes White Dragon jet plane taking up the entirety of the establishment's drive-thru lane. Cars honked and flashed their lights, with some people even waving their fists outside of their window. The camera zoomed in and refocused on a blurry image of Kaiba gritting his teeth and glaring into the cashier's window. In the backseat, Mokuba was tracing the words 'help me' in the passenger side window.

"Fine!" Kaiba yelled, slamming his palm on his steering wheel, "if you won't laugh at my epic stories then you're all FIRED! Huh? What's that?" He said suddenly, pressing his hand to the tiny device in his ear. He listened for a moment to the voice on the other line. "What do you mean 'the Wendy's employees don't work for me so I can't fire them'? Everybody works for Seto [eff]ing Kaiba! What? Fine! I want you to hire all the people that work at Wendy's. Then I want you to fire them with two weeks' pay and THEN I want you to fire the bank that issues their paychecks so they won't get paid. And when all that's done I want you to FIRE yourself and move to a third world country so that I never have to see your sorry face again. And if all that doesn't get done you'll be like a body in a crematorium - FIRED!"

Seto yanked the device out of his ear and laughed at his own joke. 

"Seto, can we order a number three with cheese, please? I'm starving." Mokuba moaned.

"Shut up, Mokuba. I told you that's a children's meal."

"But Seto-"

"...on second thought," he said to the Very Much Annoyed cashier. "We'll take two number threes with cheese."

"Thanks, big bro!"

"It's not for you."

"....fatty."

The TV screen cut to black and the four teenagers found themselves staring back at their own reflections.

"That Kaiba boy is a mega deuce if I've ever seen one," Yugi's grandfather said. The teenagers screamed, as he had suddenly appeared out of nowhere.

"Agh!" Tea screamed, jumping onto Yugi's lap. "It's decrepit Santa Claus!"

"Tea, that's my grandfather," Yugi said in annoyance. But there was no stopping her.

"Please don't put me on the naughty list, Mr. SantaClausMan," she said, holding out her clasped hands to the old man. "Just because I have sexy dreams about being awoken from my sleep by an 8 foot tall tentacle monster doesn't mean I'm a bad girl!"

".....um, anyway," Yugi said as Tea continued babbling in the background, "grampa, I think you meant to say Kaiba is a 'mega douche,' not a 'mega deuce.'"

His grandfather folded his arms and closed his eyes in frustration. "I meant what I said. Kaiba is a mega-deuce. And I've seen a lot of mega deuces in my lifetime. In fact, I can show you one right now. Come to the bathroom and see!"

"Uh...no thanks, grampa."

"If you have to spank me, oh please let Yugi's smexy alter ego do it," Tea was still saying to the old man.

"Are you sure?" He said, ignoring Tea and walking away, "I mean this one really gives a new meaning to the term 'wide load.'

"Grandpa, don't you have a hot date with a cup of prune juice and your Dark Magician Girl poster?"

"Huh, that's right! Smell you later, losers!"

The old man flashed the peace sign and walked out of the room, much to Yugi's relief. Joey suddenly spat out his soda and looked at his cup suspiciously.

"Nyeh this ain't no Coca-Cola Cherry. It's regular Coke. Those bastards at Subway lied to me."

"Joey, how in the world can you tell the difference between Coca-Cola Cherry and literally any other Coke?"

"I've done a lot of Coke in my lifetime, Tea. I mean, I've popped a lotta cherries, I know the flavor. Nyeh, what I meant to say is....you know what I mean."

"I don't know about you guys, but Kaiba makes me wet," Tristan said randomly, and suddenly, from behind the couch. It was true. A dark patch had bloomed beneath his belt. Yugi sighed and face/palmed.

"Tristan, that wasn't Kaiba. Joey literally just spit cherry Coke all over your crotch."

"Not cherry!" Joey yelled indignantly.

"Whatever! I don't even know why I hang out with you guys anymore…"

"It's either us or the fangirls," Joey said stubbornly, crossing his arms "and you know they only come around when they think that they can ship you with the other guy. What's his name again? You know, the tall one that likes to fit into little boys' pants! Oh, hiya Pharaoh!"

"Joey, you know that Yugi's pants are made of a very elasticy material," the Pharaoh said in his deep, totally manly voice. "They stretch in all the right places." 

"Lucky for them, they don't have to stretch too far. You know what I'm sayin'? Eh?" Joey said, nudging Tristan. "Get it? Cuz the Pharaoh has a small co-"

"YOU TAKE THAT BACK, HEATHEN!!" Tea suddenly sprung from the back of the couch and tackled a surprised Joey to the ground. "not that I'd know but I bet the Pharaoh's junk is HUGE," she exclaimed, putting Joey into a headlock. "Isn't that right, Pharaoh?"

"Yes, my junk is supremely massive," the Pharaoh crossed his legs and cocked his head in a very assured manner as Joey struggled to breathe.

"Get off of me, you dumb broad-"

"Joey! You must chill!" The Pharaoh demanded. "I've come to deliver news about the Kaiba situation."

"Nyeh?" Joey said.

"Nyeh?" Tea said.

"I'm still wet," that was Tristan.

"I'm been thinking-" the Pharaoh started.

"Oh, that's rich," Yugi said briefly before disappearing again.

"Quiet, you short little man. I, Pharaoh, have been thinking and I've come to the conclusion that we've all been given a once in a lifetime opportunity: to change Seto Kaiba from a mega douche to a relatively smaller, albeit still quiet mega, douche. As in, he will go from an intense squirt up the hoo-ha to a much smaller stream that still feels relatively nice and leaves you feeling fresh and clean."

"What's he saying?" Joey mouthed to Tea. She shrugged.

"I think he's talking about douching...or Kaiba, I can't tell the difference-"

"QUIET!" The Pharaoh demanded. "Back in my day, slaves would NEVER talk to me this way."

"Pharaoh, we're not you're-"

"The plan is simple," The Pharaoh stood up and walked to the window. He crossed his arms behind his back and stared majestically at the sun setting behind his reflection. "If you want to turn Seto Kaiba into a better person, you must do one thing: make him fall in love."

"But, Pharaoh, what does Kaiba know about love?" Tristan demanded in a whiny voice. "Joey said he spawned from the butthole of the universe!"

"I was talking about you, Tristan."

"QUIET, SLAVE!" Tristan demanded.

"Yes, listen to your master, Joey," the Pharaoh continued. He turned away from the window and gazed upon the three teenagers. "The trick will be finding the right woman. No one in their right mind would date Seto Kaiba."

[Somewhere, off in the distance, a million fangirls cried out and then were silenced.]

"So maybe we can pay someone," Tea offered up.

"No one in their right mind would accept payment to date Seto Kaiba."

"I would!"

"Hush, Tristan. Mommy and daddy are talking."

"...k."

"But Pharaoh," Tea said, "What if we pay our friends to do it?"

"No one in their right mind would be your friend- wait, that's actually a good idea. We'll pay the people that we know to dress up as hot dates and go out with Kaiba. Maybe then he'll fall in love and be less of a douche canoe. Good job, Tea."

"Tee hee."

"Wait, isn't it kind of cruel, toying with Kaiba's heart?" Yugi asked, always the voice of reason.

"Yugi. If there's one thing that I learned from being a Pharaoh," the Pharaoh said, putting on a pair of dark sunglasses. "It's that you've got to play it cruel to be cool...or else you're a fool...who doesn't know how to duel...surrounded by a pool….with a tiny tool….trying to screw the rule-"

"Alright, we get your point."

"....with a lot of drool….and you look like a ghoul…"

"PHARAOH!" Tea, Tristan, and Joey yelled. The Pharaoh frowned.

"Fine, if you don't like my improv slam poetry, I'll keep it to myself! Joey! Get the phone. We're about to make Kaiba's love life _ spicy." _

[!!!!magic teletubby transition sequence!!!!]

Narrator: The next morning, the sun shone bright on the walls of the Kaiba Lair. Our hero, Seto Kaiba, lay dozing beneath his Blue-Eyes White Dragon covers, oblivious to what awaited him on that Valentine’s day.

Seto Kaiba gave a grunt and rolled over in his bed. The heavy shades were drawn over the window, letting only the smallest sliver of light in. “No,” Kaiba cried out in his sleep, “I’ll never join your little dweeb army...alright, I’ll admit it, sometimes I make my employees dress up as Duel Monsters and battle it out to the death but that doesn’t make me a bad person, really! AGH!”

Kaiba woke with a fright and clutched his chest. “Oh my money,” he said to no one in particular, “I just dreamed that Yugi and his friends invited me out on some strange adventure. Thank God it was only a drea-”

“One of us...one of us…”

“AGH!” Seto Kaiba screamed louder, having suddenly noticed Yugi, Joey, Tea, and Tristan standing in the corner of his room. 

“Hey Seto,” Yugi said, flicking a switch. The room was suddenly bathed in light and Seto hissed. “One of us...had a really cool idea for an adventure. Wanna join us?”

“Noooo, this can’t be happening, “ Kaiba said, growing pale, “the dream is real!”

Just at that moment, Mokuba opened the door and stuck his head in. “Big bro, is everything ok-”

“Shut up, Mokuba.”

“kbye” Mokuba closed the door and Seto put his head in his hands.

“How did you dweebs get in my house?” He said from between his fingers.

“Convenient anime plot holes,” Tea said, cheesing and giving the thumbs up while sparkles erupted around her head.

“Say what now?”

“I said ‘convenient anime plot ho-’”

“Anyway,” Yugi said, putting his hand over a flustered Tea’s mouth. “The Pharaoh had this super awesome idea on how to make you less of a mega deuce.”

“Don’t you mean mega douche?”

“Hey man, you said it, not me. So-” Yugi said quickly, before Kaiba could interrupt. “The gang and I think that you should go on a date.”

“What’s a  _ daaaaateee,”  _ Kaiba said, struggling to pronounce the word. Yugi’s brow furrowed.

“It’s where two people go out and get to know each other and hopefully fall in love.”

“Sounds awful,” Kaiba immediately said. “Is there any dueling involved?”

“Uh, well, no…”

“Then why in the world would I agree to do something like that?”

“For the possibility of friendship?” Tea tried.

“And the chance to get to know someone other than the AI that reads out your bank statement?”

“And mutual mastication!” Tristan said proudly.

“ _ Mutual masta-whatnow _ ?”

“Listen here, Seto Koybuh,” Joey said in his signature cocky accent. “It’s all about finding the right lady. And I, Joey Wheeler, am quite the expert at picking ‘em out. So I went ahead and did the honors of choosing a few lucky women who are already creaming their panties at the thought of going out with you. So what do you say, Koybuh? Ready to meet the love of your life?”

Kaiba sighed and looked down at his blanket. He clenched it in his hands before finally saying, “If I do this...do you promise to never,  _ ever _ talk to me again?”

“WE PROMISE!” The four teenagers exclaimed.

“Fine!” Kaiba said, swinging his legs out of bed. He stormed into his bathroom and proceeded to get dressed. Joey looked over at the others with wide, fearful eyes.

“Did anyone else see Koybuh’s morning wood?”

“Morning wood?” the Pharaoh suddenly said, putting on a pair of dark sunglasses. “More like...morning  _ wood  _ be better if he was as big as me!”

“....Joey, why did the girls put cream in their panties?”

“Just shut up, Tristan.”

[!!!!magic teletubby transition sequence again!!!!]

Joey, Tea, Tristan, Yugi, and Kaiba walked through the crowded streets of Domino City. Kaiba sniffed and covered his nose. “What’s that smell?” he said in a nasally voice.

“That?” Tea said. “That’s the wonderful smell of Domino City! There’s the pretzels baking at the pretzel vendor, pizza from the restaurants, fudge in the candy shop-”

“Smells like poor people,” Kaiba said. Joey shook his head and stuffed his hands in his pockets.

“Not everybody in the general population is poor, you know.”

“Of course they are. If they were rich, they wouldn’t be called the ‘general population,’ would they?”

“Okay, so what  _ would  _ they be called if they were rich?”

“Seto [eff]ing Kaiba.”

“(he has a point you know.)”

“Yoo-hoo, over here!”

They all looked around at a tall, blonde-haired woman standing in front of a pizza shop. Her gargantuan and funny-shaped breasts jiggled as she sauntered towards them, her hairy legs wobbling in a pair of pink high heels.

“Oh, hey, look Kaiba, it’s your date!” Yugi said cheerily. The woman walked up and placed a sloppy kiss on Kaiba’s cheek.

“My name is Amanda...Amandason. Aren’t you just the cutest man in America?”

“Thanks,” Kaiba said, wiping the spit off of his cheek. “Why do you sound like a guy?”

“Uhh, no reason,” she said in her very guy-like voice, “I was born in America, you know.”

“Is that supposed to be some kind of explanation?”

“Uhhh....in America?”

“Wait a minute!” Kaiba said. His eyes narrowed as he stared at the ‘woman.’ "I dare you to say one sentence without ending it with ‘in America.’”

“Well, would you look at the time-” Yugi said quickly. But Kaiba grabbed the woman’s shirt and hoisted her onto her tippy toes.

“Do it,” he growled.

“Uh, well, I, um,” the woman began to sweat. The moisture smeared her mascara and god awful pink lipstick. She began to turn seriously red beneath her purple sunglasses. Finally, she couldn’t take it anymore. She jerked away from Kaiba and began to pull her wig off, along with the two pillow cushions stuffed in her shirt. “Alright! Alright! I’m not Amanda Amandason! I’m Bandit friggin’ Keith and you can’t pay me enough to stop saying ‘in America,’ in America.” He threw the pillows at Yugi’s feet and stormed away. “You can keep the money. The only thing more humiliating than dressing up as a woman and pretending to like Seto Kaiba is losing my liberty to say what I want, when I want-”

“Let me guess, ‘in America?’” Yugi said, trying his hardest to ignore the awkward stares from the strangers passing by.

“That’s right, in A-”

“Hey Bandit Keith,” Joey said suddenly, “where are you most likely to see a moose playing Ice Hockey?”

“...in Canada! Wait, no, my true nationality has been revealed! Nooooo-”

With that, Bandit Keith just kinda, like, exploded. Or something.

“Well, I think that went lovely,” Tea said, seething. She suddenly noticed Kaiba walking away and said, “wait, where are you going?”

“To go and stare at my money,” he said, without looking back at them. “I can’t believe I let you low lives trick me into going on a stupid date. If you all worked for me I would probably fire you, and then hire a hypnotist to make me forget that I fired you, so that I could fire you again and enjoy it just as much as the first time. And then fire the hypnotist. And then hire another hypnotist to make the other one believe-”

“Maybe there is such a thing as having too much money,” Tea thought out loud to herself, rubbing her chin.

[Somewhere, off in the distance, Jeff Bezos cried out and then was silenced.]

“No, Kaiba, wait!” Yugi said, running after him. He jumped in front of him and stuck his arms out. “We’re all terribly sorry about that. It was just a misunderstanding, actually. There _ is _ someone we  _ really _ want you to meet. Her name is Oliva Mia Grace Edmunson the Third and she’s super special awesome!”

“Hi,” a girl said. She appeared so suddenly behind them that Kaiba screamed.

“Agh,” he screamed.

“My name is Olivia Mia Grace Edmunson the Third and, like Yugi said, I'm super special awesome!”

_ Hmm,  _ Kaiba thought to himself,  _ she’s not half bad. Maybe the dweebs are onto something. But she does seem kind of familiar…. _

“Go ahead,” Joey whispered from behind him, “compliment her or somethin’.”

“Uuuuuuh,” Kaiba said, “you look like you smell like money.”

“Alright!” she said with a smile. She reached back and touched the back of her head shyly. “So you find me fit, innit? Well, I was just at the loo freshenin’ up a bit and it was a bit dodgy. I mean,  _ proper  _ like. But I was knackered, and on me last quid - I mean I was skint from skivin’ too often because my boss went in for a snog. And I was like ‘cheers,’ because he was a bit naff and fond of sacking off to get in some good banter, which usually had me gutted. So I often got pissed at that cheeky par so I told him, ‘'ey, stop mugging me off, mate.’ And somehow ended up back in the loo.”

The five of them stared at Olivia Mia Grace Edmunson the Third in shock. Except it wasn’t Olivia Mia Grace Edmunson the Third, it was-

“Bakura,” Seto said vehemently, “seriously? Now I’m just offended.”

“Oh, smack, was it the accent?” Bakura said in his normal voice, taking off his black wig. “Shame. I had become quite fond of wearing these nifty little eyelashes.”

“Grr, god damn it Bakura, can’t you stop being so British for just one second?” Joey yelled. 

“I’m not British, I’m just gay,” Bakura said. He paused and thought a minute, “wait, did I say that right?”

“Begone! Bakura-thot!” The Pharaoh appeared and held out his hand. “ _ Miiiiind crush _ ,” he sang.

“Wait, Pharaoh, no! You can’t just mind-crush Bakura!”

“Too late!”

“Awwwww  _ bugger! _ ”

“The audience won’t notice a difference and you know it. Wait, where’s Kaiba?”

The four of them ran around calling Kaiba’s name. They finally spotted him climbing up a ladder leading into his Blue-Eyes White Dragon jet. He spotted them coming and began to climb faster.

“Kaiba, wait!” Tristan said and jumped towards him. He clung to his legs and rubbed his face in his pants. “I love you.”

“Get off me, you moderately attired minor anime character.”

“But-”

“Kaiba, we’re sorry!" Yugi yelled. "There’s just one more-”

“Can it!” Kaiba yelled over the sound of the plane’s engine. “I’m done with you and your little romance games. I’m going to spend this Valentine’s day the right way: by kicking my feet up on the back of some poor employee and yelling at Mokuba! Now scram!”

“Wait-”

“ _ Did somebody call a pair of breasts? _ ” Mai appeared in the middle of the street. The gravitational pull of her gigantic boobies was enough to throw Kaiba’s jet off balance and make it explode.

“Now that’s just impractical,” Kaiba said in embarrassment, having let go of the ladder and fallen on his ass. Everyone was staring at him trying not to stare at Mai’s bahonkers.

“I heard you’re looking for a good time,” Mai said, reaching down to help him up. He accepted her hand and pulled himself up into a standing position.

“You weren’t exactly what I had in mind,” he growled back. She laughed. 

“Oh, Kaiba-boy,” she purred, “you’re always full of jokes, almost as much as you’re full of yourself. We should totally go back to the hotel tonight and undress each other with our eyes...and our hands.”

“Wait…” Kaiba said slowly, “what did you just call me?”

“Uhhh, Kaiba-boy?” Mai said innocently. 

Kaiba reached over and pulled the highly realistic mask off of the person’s head. 

“Pegasus!” He said in disbelief. “Only you would be cheeky enough to call me by that stupid nickname! And you-” he said, swinging around to glare at Yugi, Tea, Joey, and Tristan. “I can’t believe you paid Pegasus to dress up as Mai to try and seduce me! You’re all a bunch of sick bastards.”

“To be fair, Kaiba-boy,” Pegasus purred, lifting a single finger, “they didn’t have to pay me to seduce you. And I quite enjoyed dressing up in these fake ta-tas! They’re just so big and squishy!” Pegasus laughed and began to play with the fake boobs strapped to his chest. The gang tried their best to ignore him, but he was making quite a scene.

“So who are you gonna have next?” Kaiba was standing in the middle of the street, his fists balled and voice rising with every second. "Maiko Tsunami? Weevil Underwood? Duke Devlin?”

[Sexy Back music begins to play]

“Hey Yugi,” said a devilishly attractive and sexy man with cool black hair who had just walked up to them, “I decided against dressing up as a girl to seduce Seto Kaiba. I figured he’d see this hot bod and that would be enough to make him go crazy.”

[End Sexy Back Music]

“Are you kidding me?” Kaiba said.

[Sexy Back music starts up again]

“Huh?” the supremely fine piece of god-given man meat with the totally bomb ass earring said. “Am I late to the Duke Devlin cameo?”

[End Sexy Back music]

“Duke, now’s not really the time,” Yugi said. He and Joey quickly consulted a piece of paper. “Uh, let's see...Bandit Keith...Bakura...Pegasus dressed as Mai...Duke Devlin...Maiko Tsunami….hey, where is that guy anyway?”

Right at that moment a harpoon whistled through the air and planted itself between Kaiba’s feet. Maiko laughed from the top of a tall building. “Hey, Kaiba!” He called down.

“ **_ What?! _ ** ”

“You must be a large body of water...because all I  _ sea  _ is you! Ha Ha Ha! Get it? The Ocean told me that joke.”

Kaiba closed his eyes in frustration. The gang gulped as he clenched his fists by his side. They all knew that the wrath of Kaiba was soon to be upon them and there was simply no way to escape it. “You ruined my Valentine’s day,” he said under his breath as the veins began to pulse in his hands. “I could’ve had a wonderful day firing people and tearing families apart but noooo, you just had to drag me into your stupid little games. Well, all I have to say to that is-  _ god damn, who is that?! _ ”

The gang watched in surprise as Kaiba rushed past them towards a woman standing in front of a storefront window. 

“You are the most beautiful and perfect person that I have ever laid eyes on!” He said excitedly. "I can’t believe it! Your hair is so perfect! And your eyes - they look like they’ve seen a billion dollars raining from the sky! Will you marry me on this beautiful Valentine's Day?”

“Huh?” she said in confusion, pointing at herself, “me?”

“Not you, you homeless-looking skank,” he said, pushing past her to stand in front of the window. “ _ You!” _

“Uh, Yug,” Joey said, realization dawning on his face, “Is Kaiba talking to his reflection in the window?”

“That he is, Joey. That he is.”

[roll credits with teletubby music]

**Author's Note:**

> My ACL is torn. I'm due for an expensive surgery. And I'm hopped up on pain meds.
> 
> Writing this fic is the closest that I will get to actual romance on this day.


End file.
